I want to make the right move at this critical point in our relationship. Ive so learned that people like her are the good ones, the ones you wnat to know. I have not used these technics as of yet. This is often referred to as "love bombing." ago and it has been very helpful in the way I react when I do not get defensive and criticize back it helps so much. I agree with all of this content. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. I have been reading your information for over two years. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. It is very important if a partner of someone with NPD decides to leave that they already have a very good plan and have already established effective strategies to de escalate and manage the conflict. He is now getting these fixes by yet another activity. I feel it is OK to set the boundry that he needs to decide what he wants or I will have to make decisions on my Own. I have tried many times for the sake of my children. Everyone needs different ideas and I thank you for adding yours to the discussion. Everyday is a challenge. (it had worked in the past and thought that as we were married, we would work through it). Butterfly is my chosen name because if you help a catteiller out of its cocoon it will die. There are men out there who also face these issues and not all of them are strait. He was threatening suicide and has a history of using violence against me. Now that part I dont understand. Its all a work In progress for me but its starting to calm things in my home and keeping myself calm already. It is down to only about 50% of the time being the disordered personality. Kim first let me say thank you for being the only voice that says it is possible to stay with a Narc I ordered Back from the Looking Glass I was hiding it as I was reading it but he found it and boy was he livid to put it mildly after being subjected to a horrible rage episode I put it down for a while and felt a bit hopelessIll spare you all the gory details weve all heard them before but my breaking point came when he put my son out (who suffers from depression) and I told him I would be leaving also but that I would come back on weekends I just needed to be able to think clearly while not being subjected to his tyranny under the same roof with him everyday. This is craziness! he of course was perfect and still is. Thank you again for your courageous letter. I was with the love of my life and we were unbelievably happy together, were going to get married, start a family; we would talk about everything together, our hopes / fears / aspirations for our life together. Hed rather throw love away (or so it seems) than keep it together by being honest, and being kind. Good luck, and let us hear from you from time to time. Like I said, I have been firm with establishing boundaries for myself in a calm and non-confrontational but stern manner, but he continues to violate them and refuses to speak to me. I have known for years that my partner is a nar. It broke my heart. Thank you so much for everything! The majority of them do not change. You had just gotten your tax return, which was plenty to cover the debt but when I asked you why you didnt use that, you said because you wanted to have money in the bank. There is no one answer to this question, as the best way to hold a narcissist accountable will vary depending on the situation and the severity of the narcissist's behavior. I spoke with him last night and ofcourse he did not want to make a decision and was evasive and got angry. The problem is that everyone thinks they were both wonderful and there was something wrong with me. Respect yourself and trust your mind, your heart is just some needy mess you need to be grown up about. (Understanding Narcissism.) Sure they will probably still get angry when you use these kind of scripts, so you will need to play this carefully and use your own judgement. Some of us need to consider that while we are suffering for days months and yrs..that our health is also suffering from stress. They devalue you and criticize everything you do. You need to get Back from the Looking Glass, 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence and The Love Safety Net Workbook ASAP. [1] Being assertive means advocating for yourself without disrespecting someone else (in this case, the narcissist). Although hes only hit me once and I know that sounds like denial but believe me when I tell you I have made it very clear to him that if he does it again one of us is goin to jail and one of us is goin to the hospital. Has no effect. Thanks to all of you as well. And unfortunately, the source has no idea why it loses statusand thats why it hurts so damned much. Yes, he blamed me for ruining our relationship. Ive told him a ton of times, it takes two and there I go again pointing out the hurtful things he did. He was a master of so much and half the battle was one when I realized that he actually had people around him who let him do and say the mean things that made him go on being such a horrible person. Dear Kim, I have the book and the workbook and have been working on it. I have not heard anyone talk about sex on this website. Thank you all of giving me my life back, especially Kim. They strike back hard to try to save their own self or credibility. 13) I found a house, got a loan and bought it and had to use my life insurance savings to pay for the down payment. I then drove 11 hrs to see you, and while there you had your car the entire time and I found out that your brother wasnt even working. I do not give up on him for one moment. Just a quick note to let you know that reading your material (every bit of it) and then putting it into practice has changed my marriage. One of the big problems for me, is my own sarcasm of others, when it comes to this sickness. ugh. Just the paranoia, the aggressions, the damage to your property, his alcohol abuse and him breaking in to your bedroom at night and making stories about other people that are not true. My head understands that his efforts and love were nothing but manipulation. Our entire marriage he has NEVER taken responsibilty for anything. The other problem we first had was that he thought that i was there to be angry at if he was upset about anything (even if it had nothing to do with me) I explained him immediately that i was not there for that reason. He is truly an emotional invalid with little ability to connect. I kept leaving and going back to a spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically destructive marriage. So I became the breadwinner but still worked from home where I could monitor and also protect him. Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. The narcissist needs for you to fight back because then you are the one who lost control. I thought that maybe I missed reading something. If I had to write about everything that I had to endure at the hands of the woman I love so much it would take a long time. This makes me feel degraded. When he starts calling me cheater and liar and states lies as facts no point to argue?? For years I thought eventually hed come back into my life. Just one question: How to set a boundary if someone is flirtatious in general but you dont know how far this goes? I know how painful this feels. These consist of circular conversations, arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track. You called our landlord while being mad at me and told them WE where not going to renew our lease without telling me. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. Sincerely, Kim Avery. I have been married for 15 years with two kids with my husband. This is painful stuff to deal with emotionally, spiritually and financially. Anyones behaviour can seem selfish, irresponsible and mean if it isnt what the other person thinks it should be. I am soooo sick and tired of him by the weekend after hes been a jerk half the week for apologising yes apologising for being a jerk and defending himself at what a tough week its been and hes sorry only for him to do it again. Im human. Holding a person accountable for what they did in the past is a waste of time and should be forgotten. It was only recently when trying to find out if the man I love is a pathological liar or not, that I tripped upon information on narcissism. It is almost as if. In. Unfortunately, as I tried to work on the things we had identified, she fell right back into the N-pattern of denial and assigning blame (all to me, of course). I will admit though, it is very hard not to slip back into old patterns, and the hardest of all, is that I still have strong feelings for him, its just about impossible not to after all those years, 5 kids and so many shared experiences, not all of which were bad. So I am glad its over. People do change but sometimes it takes blood, sweat, and tears. Hang in there Amy and you be careful to follow the steps in Back from the Looking Glass about leaving because it really can escalate the abuse. Unfortunately, I didnt have the help you now offer. I feel trapped! This time I was able to enjoy myself, keep busy and not think too much about why, I finally understand it isnt me, I understand his narcissism, after immersing myself for past 10 years, it still hurts though, I hope someday, the hurt will go away. He called and apologized once he had this revelation. Do I defend myself how do I handle the lies he tells me or texts me. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. And if you know you are with a narcissist? And yet she believes there is nothing wrong with her and still blames me for causing her behaviour. 2. I hope someone might read this and be more careful about their childrens safety and will not go through the agony I have. And even hope disappears into the sea blindness. My family and friends did not expect me to make it out of my marriage alive. Yet, I hang on to this thing called hope. Im tired of it and have told him that this isnt working for mehes too irritated and frustrated with me so much of the time, and Im burnt out on the tension and the fighting. It took me quite some time catching up on reading all of the comments. As long as we feel the need for validation from them, we are still in that trap of hoping for real emotions and caring from these people, and there is nonejust more manipulation for their own gratification. His are exhibited in binge drinking, he states this is to maintain his happiness; he frequently waits for the next weekend to live it up. He is a textbook case. Pain can result in a person becoming angry or irrational and acting out. I have been a believer and customer of yours for several years now. He is getting the msg now and is much nicer, kinder but he is still the charmer especially of women who adore him..and men want to protect him.. and he is a role playing man. Is there anything I can do at this point to help the situation? But this seems a weak boundary to me because I cant see when the line is crossed. They dont have to know the details but soak yourself in alot of love. Many narcissists lack self-awareness, so they may try to push you to the wall until they find out what they can get away with. I was married 19 years and had 4 sons. This has been my experience of Narcissists. Do what you can do and stop worrying about the rest, above all stop blaming yourself ! When I ask him about his resistance he replies that hes he scared. He mixes prescription meds and alcohol and is a walking time bomb. When I started realizing it all , I was panicking , feeling trapped each passing moment . to lie to me, break your promises and treat me badly for asking you to keep your promise. Thank you so much for what you are doing, dont stop. Mine came back after 8 years of doing what he wanted. Its a hard life, but for me, Ive put down the sword, and have decided to find the believers in me; not the leaders or followers that are only destined to intercept my inalienable rights to exist. It disgusts me. One has treatable BIpolar the other ver narcissistic personality traits. 6 Cut off all contact with them if you can. In the case of a one off event I believe that yes the person should be held accountable preferably by a court of law. Then I will return to my friend and find a little bit more have changed since the last time and I pray alot too. I had terrible abandonment issues from my childhood and bereavements and his scared child behaviour never helped. I didnt handle it right, I got upset and was hurt and we had an allniter fight again. We have to stop becoming fuel for these types of people. There was no mention of when we could see each other and I guess I had to accept it But noooo I didnt instead I confronted my n by saying that my friends have noticed how sad and depressed I am and certain friends were concerned about me. God bless you all. It should be stressed however that this . I have followed your advice and he seems to now trust me and I guess he therefore feels able to be more honest with me. How do you find the energy to do this? 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable. Hi Kim, I have come across this Blog today, and I can relate to so, so much. And I wonder if you may be co-dependent if it is not merely the grieving process of a break up. Thanks Kim. The reason I cant trust his apologies or promises now is because I heard them all before almost verbatim. At the end of these emotionally exhausting talks, I end up talking to him as if he was 7 years old. They have to be sane! But looking back, I guess Ive loved a few of them and I am just now seeing it. There is a part of me that wonders if I am narcissistic too, or that maybe I am misdiagnosing. Keep in mind that narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and other narcissistic traits to NPD. of stress and terrors..overlooking tolerating praying about (God will not do for us what he equipped us to do for ourself) and my having temper storms at him. He does need to learn that there are natural consequenses for his actions and that I will not always bail him out. He is so fake but good at it with others. Told me after he left that he wasnt giving up his friends, any of them. Very simple. When a narcissist with a fragile self-esteem is held accountable he breaks into a narcissistic rage. He owes me money and keeps asking for more. Because he was ashamed of his failure it was easy for him to be quiet because really he didnt know what to say anyway. !He shows no remorse,money is his God'(he grew up very poor)I undestand that and that it wasnt his fault.He is very verbally and emotionally abusive,to the point that I cant describe the hurt and humiliation.What u r saying Kim abt bringing a third party in wld make him laugh.He has called the police on me and turned the whole issue around so I got no help there.Ive been to counselling,healing all on my own cos he refuses to go cos theres nothing wrong with him.He is very,very crude and says as a married man he has his rights and if a wife dsnt have sex(never make love)with her husband he has to go looking elsewhere for it.He cuts me to the quick with his slander,always belittling me and constantly puts me down.He referss to me in company as the thing or the wife.I know pple think and look at me like Im crazy and its becoming embarrasing to tell them cos its like going around in circles.Also,he is such a nice guy,pple think he is wonderful and I am looked at as the miserable bitch(excuse the language)that he puts up with.Sadly he has been my one and only love.PPle say leave him and move onbut,move on to whatat my age and stage in life it isnt easy.And yes I love him and do know there is so much good in him. Hes a gigolo too, pretty sure of it.I need him out of here and dont know how to be more blunt. We have been together 13 years, and it was only just in the last few that Ive identified him as a narcissist for what that truly means. He uses people big time to get what he wants out of life. Then on the first you told me you didnt have the money because it was Christmas and you needed money. Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. I was not a good wife, or mother, so on etc. The link is as follows: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=167. 20) You blame me for having credit but ask me to use it time and again. But that makes it no less hurtful and no less difficult to accept how she simply trashed our hopes and dreams together. But that is just fantasy. Narcissists can be great at making fictional plans for the future, and never following through on their promises. You cannot judge a persons personal choices involving themselves and their body by how it makes you feel, that is your responsibility. I could never imagine that the sweet kind generous woman I promised to love for the rest of my life, could be so deliberately hurtful, so callous and full of spite and disregard for my feelings. Surprise! Its just he has been so good about making me feel bad if I dont help him out and making it out to be me not loving him. Some days I am so glad that he is gone I could scream others days I really miss his presence not him. He is already a bit worked up he gets worked up alot I said no of course notturns out, when he said Monica, I assumed Monica from the bank called but I find out no, Monica is the secretary for the company the cheque was written to which I could not have known and a little further investigation on my part was she tried to cash the cheque before the date so the bank returned it! Narcissists may easily cross boundaries. You may find help there. Steve did get very enraged when I first started setting boundaries but as it was about what I would not live with for myself rather than me putting myself above him there was still room for him to come down out of his ivory tower and be with me once the corner he had painted himself into had become too uncomfortable. Understanding Narcissism, by Elizabeth Shaw. I am very fortunate and lucky to be alive. With his having to have things a certain way, hes cost the company money and possibly earned a reputationthat or the boss really does like him and is giving him more responsibilitywho knows, I just know the fall out of it all! Why? I feel I am saving my life. Im still trying to re-do the past with him and I still try to point things out that he said and did and I still try to explain my behaviors to his abusive remarks and all to no avail. Acter admitting this fi me durung an alcohil binge,he latdr denied. Any hope of that happening? Hi Butterfly, You cannot depend on promises because this leaves all of your power in someone elses hands. Its sad he has used one old gal to get her home. My blood pressure is now normal again and I like myself again. Women, for instance, go back to their abuser an average of seven times, even if she was the one who initiated the termination. 2 Say "no" when they ask for favors. He decided to stay with me, but know the affair is just another tool for him to use to punish me. I feel I did a very good job of using the above techniques the second I realized I had a narcissist on my hands. No amount of behavioural changes will alter that brain function however if the N person needs you in their life I think you will be able to make the relationship work by managing the impact of their cognitive disability on your self. If I apply your suggestions I am going to like myself and him better. The child will be treated like an . I do not want this life for my children. He drew me back in, and then I found out at the same time he was softening me up and I was letting down my guard he was seeing and sleeping with an ex-girlfriend! Id meant to say in that last sentence that id text him to say I was tired and hence grumpy that bubs wasnt sleeping.he told me to drink concrete and harden up it was my choice to have the baby, hed have had an abortion. It is always me. How can I ever trust that this isnt the beginning of another end? We have not had a fight or argument for over 6 weeks! But i didnt immediately saw that it were fantasy. He will never admit hes wrong. I dont know what else to do. I see that codependency is an issue that I am working with. I am constantly lowering my expectations but I wont compromise my safety,tranquility and emotional stability. So, I finally left him in December. He was a leach and a parasite and I didnt need nor do i want him back. I got out. I shouldnt say that, my therapy has made me much stronger and shown me a clearer picture of my marriage. Ill set boundaries. Hi sonia And I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. My next step is to purchase The Love Safety Net Workbook. What percentage of females. Going from being a family to no barely no communication at all had started to confuse me and my daughter who longed to spend time with N who a month ago and a half ago started talking about reconciling, but suddenly as of a month ago, became evasive, unresponsive, and completely absent from the family life we created.